the recipe

by Ling’Ling

take one serving ‘tuesday night exitbar blackout’ mixed in with a wednesday morning sleep-in that costs more than an entire day’s wages. rinse and repeat on thursday and friday. take your weekend and piss away a min’gong fortune at overpriced, crappy restaurants and ‘classy’ bars that you hate. for extra spice, have a few too many drinks on saturday, make-out with someone you shouldn’t and insult a close friend; make an ass of yourself at the bar or send some emails/text messages that will make you cringe the following day. remember the girl you were trying to break up with this week? take her home from the bar and have a few more whiskies so that you’re too drunk to fuck, she won’t mind.

avoid your friends while making an effort to see people that you don’t really care about, or that you’re trying to fuck. reply to all the emails that you want to ignore, and ignore all the emails that you want to reply to. masturbate too much or too little, according to taste.

make sure you forget to let the cat out of your room before you leave today so that he can piss all over your bed or laundry. smoke in bed and burn a hole in your pillow which nicely compliments the scent of stale sex and cat piss. lose your mp3 player and smoke too many cigarettes. don’t eat fruit for a week, unless it’s potato chips or french fries, which are fruits.

now you should have a pile of self-hatred and doubt. don’t worry about the smell, it’s supposed to be like that.

fold the mixture into the festering bitterness that you’ve been aging since that break-up two years ago and serve up on a dirty plate of three-day-old pizza. voila. you’re lonely.

make a firm resolve to deal with the situation. send a hear-felt text message to that sweet girl you’ve been seeing for a few weeks and who you suspect might be ‘the one’. just in case she happens to be busy tonight, recycle said text message and spam it to several other girls in your phonebook. hello. you’re ready for sex.