Hitotoki – Xiamen – the bastard steps by 思明南路

by NCF

it’s hot. it’s always hot in xiamen in the summer. at least it hasn’t rained. that’s always nice. she and i are walking up the steps of xuefu lu beside brown sugar cafe. i have just eaten another one of their god-damn awful rubber sandwiches with the sweet japanese mayonnaise that always makes me want to vomit. a nice accessory to the moment.

the steps are the perfect height and depth to throw your gate off just that little bit so you trip on every second one, like walking on a stationary escalator. one step and then trip, curse fuck! curse one more step adjust your stride, a smooth one then one more step stumble curse fuck! wash rinse repeat until you come out onto siming lu. heathen bastard steps.

i look at her and think about how she looked when we first met. the memory is completely gone. i remember that she was so beautiful then but the memory is a fact not a feeling. what happened to my eyes? i can hardly recognize her anymore. she looks like a stranger. she looks so fucking old.

what happened to her eyes? they look wild, unfriendly. bitter. she’s looking at me but she can’t see me. i wonder what she sees. she’s lost somewhere in there and even if i could find her i wouldn’t want to. as far as i’m concerned she can fucking stay lost in there. a friend of mind once did an impression of her eyes and though it made me laugh hysterically it scared the shit out of me. was it that obvious? i thought i was the only one who could see it.

we’re stumbling up the stairs together and stumbling through xiamen together and stumbling through china together and stumbling through life together. sometimes reaching out toward each other to regain our footing but that just makes us stumble even more. in the first year we walked together and we didn’t stumble. that was 4 years ago and now we walk like children do, sober yet drunk. i often drunk and her always sober yet drunker.

there are words coming out of her mouth. some kind of bullshit filtering through the mental forest of ticks, habits and bullshits that are no longer repressed. the words are reaching me and lighting that fire that’s been burning burning.

‘i don’t give a fuck about that sweetheart.’ i’m such an asshole now. maybe i always was.

‘fuck it, let’s end this.’

‘fuck you.’

she stumbles up the steps and i stumble back down the steps. by the time i get to the bottom i’m walking like a god-damn force of nature. stable secure. each step i take leaves a giant impression in the rough stone slabs of the walkway. i look back only once and i can see her. she’s stumbling.